Attracting The One

By Sariel Beckenstein

Lisa, a woman in her 30s, came to me for coaching when she realized that she was dating a lot of men, but for some reason seemed to be attracting the wrong men. They were either emotionally or geographically unavailable, or just, as she called them, “A bunch of jerks.”

I did with Lisa what I do with every new client. She first made a list of all the “stuff” she doesn’t want in a man. We then converted the list to what she did want. In one session, Lisa had a blue print of the man she would like to attract into her life.

As we continued to work together, I learned of Lisa’s patterns. What I discovered was that after every date, Lisa would call her best friend, Kate. Lisa would start almost every call with, “Here we go again,” and then proceed with the story of her latest date. “Oh, Kate, you have no idea who I met today. The guy was a liar. Online, he told me he was in his late 30s. He is at least 45, if not older! Arrrgh, I’m so upset…I’m tired, I’m tired, I’m tired!” she would say. “I will never meet anyone, ever!”

Once I excavated this ritual, I made an agreement with Lisa: No more calls to Kate! Instead, Lisa started calling me after her dates. My first question to Lisa was, “Do you have your blue print in front of you? Look at the list and see if the guy you saw last night has any of the attributes you are looking for.” Granted, some attributes are difficult to detect on the first date, but some are easy.

“Hmmm…” she would say, “Let’s see…”. On the first calls, she would say, “Yes, one or two.” I would say, “Yay! It’s time to celebrate! We have two out of the 10 attributes you are looking for.” When Lisa started to complain about her date, I would stop her and say, “Lisa! The next step is to go out and meet another guy and only celebrate the fact that you are getting closer to finding Mr. Right.”

It  took Lisa three months of dating and celebrating to find the love of her life – a man who had 9 of the attributes she was looking for. (She compromised on the 10th. Initially, her boyfriend had to be at least 6’ tall. She quickly realized that it didn’t really matter to her, and her now husband is 5’9”.)

The moral of the story: In order to attract the right person into your life, you need to be in a positive mind-set. What Lisa was doing was complaining non-stop to Kate and the message she was giving to the universe was, “Give me more of the same.” Once she went from being negative to being positive, she found the man of her dreams. Start focusing on what’s working in all areas of life and just see what shows up!

Sariel1smSariel Beckenstein is a “Relationship Architect” with a passion for helping people find love. Utilizing a body mind integration of Gestalt therapy, Alexander technique, Feldenkrais, and EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique, also known as “tapping”), Sariel works with individuals and leads workshops.

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