Rushing into Relationships

By Sariel Beckenstein

In early November of 2013, I got a call from Sharon, a woman in her early 40s. She had never married, but experienced many short-term relationships. After not being in a relationship for the past 3 years, Sharon was fed up. She said to me, “I am not going to be alone one more holiday.”

We started speaking about her past relationships and why they did not work. From our conversation, it was clear that Sharon only attracted men to her life who were needy. Her lovers often made emotional statements they didn’t mean, like, “I love you, my life is worthless without you,” and so on.

They professed to be in love, when they really just desperately wanted to be in love. When her lovers later calmed down and felt less needy, they realized they never were in love after all, and left her.

As we continued the coaching, it was apparent that Sharon herself was a needy person, and it made sense that the men she was attracting were just as needy. We took the holiday period of 2013 to be the “lab time” for creating healthier relationships. The first thing we did was look at the holidays and why it was so important to have a date during that period.

The holidays are a time when both men and women take stock of their lives. If the year was good, we likely feel good about the holidays, too. However, if the year was challenging or unsatisfying in terms of career, health, finances, and relationships, the holiday season may bring on added stress. To overcome that, many people feel that if only they had a partner that loved him/her, their lives would be so much better. For a needy person like Sharon, it made a lot of sense.

The first thing I did was ask Sharon to take stock of her life in all other areas, except her love life. I asked her to write down all her satisfactions and dissatisfactions in those areas. Once Sharon had it in front of her in black and white, she became aware of the fact that in so many areas of her life, things were actually good. It wasn’t perfect. It was a tough year for her in one area. She lost her very close friend, Patti, to breast cancer. At the same time, Sharon was clear that she had been able to spend some amazing quality time with Patti before her passing, and during that time, she met some wonderful friends of Patti’s who are now close friends of hers.

Once Sharon was aware of her blessings, her neediness to be in a relationship by the holidays was not that important. Sharon got off the “rush” to being in a relationship, having realized that taking the time to meet the right person and learning how to be less needy was the answer to her anguish. A year later, Sharon now dates healthier men for her, who are less needy. She is enjoying her dates immensely and plans to go on a cruise to the Caribbean this season with some of her closest friends.


Sariel Beckenstein is a “Relationship Architect” with a passion for helping people find love. Utilizing a body mind integration of Gestalt therapy, Alexander technique, Feldenkrais, and EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique, also known as “tapping”), Sariel works with individuals and leads workshops.

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